She
Finding newfound appreciation for the girl in the mirror
By Kaeli Hearn
It’s 2 a.m. — The clouds paint a canvas in the sky and the chilled raindrops dance, making a light tapping sound on my windowsill. A typical Washington evening.
My hair is tied in a loose bun. An oversized t-shirt drapes over my body to cover what I do not want to see. What I do not want to feel.
My stomach growls and rumbles. It’s empty.
My mind is caught up in the thought of a warm brownie with chocolate fudge, bread, sweets, salt, citrus, food. Any food.
But, she is louder. More dominant.
She comes in the form of words. Internal thoughts. She yells in my ear, “don’t you dare eat that. That will make you fat. That will make you more unloveable.”
She is strong. Her voice is full of power and conviction. She comes like a wave. Fast, strong and unrelenting.
She has a funny way of creeping in when I least expect it. She is smart that way. She knows how to feed off of specific insecurities. It’s her favorite mind game. She knows how to twist and turn the past to use to her own advantage.
***
The growling in my stomach grows louder and louder. The dancing of the raindrops seem to be echoing in my head. The thought of food, any food becomes the prominent thought in my mind.
Anxiety is a dear friend of hers.
My senses seem to be working against me. I am hungry, but haven’t had a proper meal in days. I am tired. My eyes feel heavy, yet they cannot close. I smell nutrition’s temptation. All I hear is false accusations of who I am.
My stomach growls and rumbles. It’s empty.
***
Years pass. The perpetuated narrative of worth and thinness is always at the forefront of my mind. Taking up every space and cavity of my brain.
Her voice continues to echo. The rumble continues to amplify. The raindrops continue to dance.
My hair started to fall out. My skin was painted with rashes, blue and red. Empty. Broken. Rock bottom.
***
Time went on and something beautiful came with it: healing.
Support and joy poured out in the form of friends, family, books, music, plane rides, education and laughter. Relearning and reframing how I looked at myself in the mirror, the one I once hated.
The day was so clear. My hair was tied in a loose bun. I looked in that once dreaded mirror image. Saw my curves and flaws staring back and for once, felt a sense of peace, appreciation and confidence.
She tried to sneak her way into that moment, but I made a conscious effort to not allow her voice to be louder than this present minute in time. A moment of unwavering, quiet, fulfilled silence.
Gradually, very gradually, I began to view my body as a home.
It was my way to experience and see the world. It was my space for experiencing my senses fully. My body gave me life and breath, so I needed to respect it as such.
Crawling out of that dark hole was nothing short of excruciating. Years of not enough eating, too much exercise, inner battle, clothing that never fit quite right and raw disrespect of my body.
This has been a journey of learning to love again. Reframing my thoughts and reclaiming my body.
My views on my body have drastically changed. My arms, fingers, hands, legs, stomach and curves all work together as a whole.
Above all, my thoughts have shifted from my worth being correlated to outer appearance to my worth being correlated to inner appearance.
Beauty is deeper than how one looks. How you treat and love others is much more of a reflection of your beauty than what any size-two dress would be able to convey.
And eating that piece of cake will, in fact, not kill me.
***
Her voice was loud. Her voice was cruel. Her voice was tempting. Even at moments, her voice was masked as a friend, as comfort, as care.
It took a radical moment of raw hunger for change to finally stand up to the bully. She would not be the determining factor in crafting my narrative.
My stomach no longer rumbles, yearning to be fed. Her voice has been subdued by a kinder, more accepting tone. The raindrops have continued to dance, but in a new way.
That’s the thing about rain, when looked at with a new perspective, the rain drops shine. When the sun shines on them, they glitter.